Tuesday, 27 May 2014

News Desk: Lam Suet's Mole Hair Achieves Sentience. Vows To Become King Of China

source: filmjournal.net
The state of China has been thrown into chaos when famed actor Lam Suet's famous chin mole hair had suddenly achieved sentience and the first order of business it expressed was become the next king.

Early on Saturday morning Lam Suet awoke to find that his favourite chin mole had sprouted hair. Normally this is seen as a sign of luck and wisdom however Lam's joy soon turned to deep concern when the hair started talking to him.

"At first I thought I had lost my fucking mind from working too hard" the 49 year old actor said "But when he told the nice old lady I buy oranges from to go fuck herself I knew something wasn't right"

Distressed, Lam consulted his expert on such strange matters. Paranormal expert and Only Fools & Horses Pub Quiz 2004 Champion Johnnie To. The critically acclaimed film maker met with Chopsticks On Fire for an exclusive interview regarding the matter "Lam came to me in a hell of a state" To said clutching a 10 foot long cigar in his hand "At first I thought his mind had snapped but when the thing said I had beady little piss holes for eyes I started to believe him" To suggested having the hair removed but it seemed the hair had other ideas and went on a murderous rampage. A pen salesman and the guy who sells bootleg Donnie Yen movies on the corner of Nathan Road were killed.

After the killer mole hair had satisfied it's blood lust it released a statement which sent shockwaves "People of China, I have decided that this country needs a strong, dedicated, virile leader that can help it's people in times of crisis" When informed that China does not have a monarchy the mole hair seemed unphased and responded "A small matter, I've already set things in motion"

Asked what his first order of business would be if he were to achieve his incredible ambition "That's easy... I'm going to make watching Where's Mamma's Boy? corporal punishment for people who wear sunglasses indoors"

Monday, 12 May 2014

News Desk: Patrick Tse - "Subway are a complete set of bastards"

Hong Kong - Beloved star of Film and Television Patrick Tse is hitting back at mammoth sandwich chain Subway after they gave him an incorrect order in the early hours of yesterday morning.

Chopsticks On Fire can reveal a recent exchange of words between the veteran actor and one of it's "Sandwich Artists" soon turned ugly when the order was not corrected and the branch of Subway refused to acknowledge it's mistake.

"Every Sunday I like to visit my favourite Sunday and order a foot long Meatball Marinara (not pictured) with extra cheese on Monterey Cheese bread but the little twat behind the counter wasn't paying attention and gave me the wrong sodding sandwich" Tse said standing on the curb outside the restaurant following heated words with the employee inside.

As it turns out they had in fact given him a Chicken Teriaki with extra lettuce on Italian bread "I don't even like fucking lettuce!" Tse added.

When questioned regarding the incident the employee who has asked to remain anonymous had this to say;

"There was some old lady in here before him who asked for a Chick T on Italian but she said she had to quickly go to the Mahjong parlour to get her purse, I just handed him the wrong one by mistake"

Subway have been made aware of the incident and intend to do everything in their power to rectify the situation.

"I expected this kind of bullshit at KFC but not here" Tse added. He had first become aware of sandwiches when he was introduced to them by a friend "I bloody love sandwiches"

Management at the Subway branch could not be reached for further comment.